Lately I've changed, and I know I have because i don't like the new person I've become.
I used to be friendly and out going, I had ambitions and never did anything that was rebelious. I was polite to teachers and got good grades, I had a group of friends of mixed sex that were all older than me but that suited me fine because I'm overly mature for my age.
But about six months ago things didn't seem the same anymore, I was becomming detached from my friends and the real world seemed to slip away as I began to find comfort in my imagination. Things I used to feel passionate about didn't matter anymore, the friends i once treasured disappeared due to my neglect.
I'm constantly exhausted during the day but at night i can't get to sleep because it feels like I'm missing out on my time to be alone. I wish I'd just sleep because i think it'd make me a happier person. (No that wasn't a reference to suicide).
I have friends that are way worse off than I am, and I'm talking divorces and unreasonable parents, not having money and having learning disorders. So what gives me the right to be depressed? Exactly. Technically my life is perfect, i have parents, a house, a dog, good grades and best friends. So why am I not happy? That's what I'm trying to figure out.
I've started smoking weed on the weekend, I'm stealing it from my dad and my friend and I do it together. Her parents are recentley divorced and I'm worried that I'm leading her down a bad path, this makes me feel so guilty. I overdosed as well and it made me feel so happy that i was contemplating doing it again even though i know it was dangerous. I hadn't been that happy in a while.
When I go out with friends it feels like I'm pretending to be imature just to have fun with them and be normal, but really all I want is some maturity sometimes. Occasionally I'll lose myself having a good time, but I soon snap out of it and start thinking again and I feel sad.
I don't want to talk to any councellors or doctors or parents or friends about this because i don't want people to think little of me. People always say that no one will look down on you if you're depressed, but that's a load of bullshit becasue it's human nature to judge and exile. It also effects your life, as soon as you get diagnosed it's with you forever, goodbye chances of having a positive untainted future...I also don't want to tell my parents. My mum used to work in mental health so i wish she'd understand me, but she's in complete denial and I can understand where she's comming from, she's scared that it's her fault becasue of the way she raised me. But I had a great childhood so don't be ashamed mum. This is all my fault not yours. And I know if i try to explain to her that she'll shrug it off and tell me I'm being silly, but I'm not. At least I don't think I am.
If I did go to a doctor, they'd have to tell someone about my substance abuse won't they? That would be the end of me. So yes that option is irelevant. I've already sort of unformally told some of my friends how i feel, but I picked a bad time to express my feelings, just after another friend had done the same thing about something that probably affected them much worse than my stupid problems.
I know it's not fair, they're kids at the end of the day, but I'd still like someone to tell me something that makes me feel better, or at least admitt that they think I'm telling the truth. Thing is, these days everyone has bloody depression, and I'm not sure if I'm just one of those overreacting teens. How the hell am I supposed to know?
I think I'm a shallow person. I draw and I honestly think I am quite good at it, not amazing but probably the best in my year (I'm not trying to be cocky but this is what i think so this is what I'll type...grr now i sound bitchy...) Anyway, I feel like I only draw to get the finished piece, which is wrong right? Shouldn't people draw or paint for the experience, the feeling and joy of it? I like it when people tell me my work is good but i pretend that I don't, or I play it cool.
The other day I was crying, more like shrieking. I couldn't sleep all night because I was in hopeless sobbs of confusion. I had my arms wrapped around my head at the end of the bed and cried becasue I couldn't sleep and it felt like my brain was thinking too much. I ended up going to the bathroom in the dark, without my contacts in, noramlly I'm scared of the dark but I wasn't at that particular moment.
I'm also getting fatter. I know I am even though none of my friends will admitt that I'm telling the truth. I'm trying so hard to lose it but I SERIOUSLY CAN'T DO IT!!! I thought I had more will power but i don't and this makes me so sad because no one fanices fat girls ( Sorry to offend anyone but it's completley true).
Sometimes I am very anti social. In one of my classes no one talks to me and I don't talk to them. I'm really sad becasue I did have someone sat next to me becasue all the desks were conected like a snake. But the five people sat on my right all moved to the end of the snake to sit in a group with their friends, leaving me on the end of the snake with five empty seats to my right....This makes me feel shit.
Other times I can make friends, It was rememberance sunday today and I was presenting the Wreath (I don't know how to spell it) I was stood next to a boy and I initiated conversation with him and we enjoyed eachothers company. But I didn't ask his name and soon we were split up and I didn't see him again, I probably never will. I didn't fancy him or anything, I just wanted to make a new friend. Sounds desperate i know...
So yeah I just wanted to express myself a little bit. There's going to be a lot more but I jsut can't think of anything this particular secound, I jsut hope that this is a phase and i can grow out of it and look back in a few years and think, 'Wow, I was such a whiny bitch'.
